And They'll Throw Beach Balls Instead of Rice

If I were to plan my wedding, I would not have a pianist or organist play the prelude. Instead, I would play random music from my music collection, which could include polka, classical music, pop hits and obscure international songs. The unity candles would be fake and controlled with a remote control, to be coordinated with the music like the Olympiad games. The ceremony would stop periodically to allow the photographer to get good shots. Witnesses would be singing lots of songs; if we did all this work to throw a wedding together, you can sing a little for us.

I would allow guests to answer cell phones during the service. However, doing so means your seat at the reception will be revoked. The wedding party can sit down, but only in the back of the church. This is to allow heckling. They need not to be quiet about it. I would hire a translator who can repeat the service in Hindi. That way, if it's boring in English, it may be interesting in another language. Ushers will be asked to wander the aisles, giving out bottles of water to the thirsty. We would put the rings on before the ceremony starts to create a shocking twist that will have everyone talking.

Returned RSVP cards will be put in a hat. One card is picked at random and those fortunate people get to stand up on the stage with the bride and groom. The bridesmaids and groomsmen will leave the sanctuary before the bride and groom. All of the wedding will start leaving in the middle of the last song, without warning or explanation. Copies of War and Peace will be distributed to those in the back few rows who have to wait the longest to be let out after the ceremony.

Randomly, there will have been dozens of pictures of various animals placed all throughout the foyer while the service took place. No one will fess up. To entertain guests before the reception, a fun game called Who's This? will be played in which selected contestants have to correctly identify family members of both sides. The loser will be the last person in the food line. There will be an open mic. However, we would reserve the right to jack your car's tires if you fail to give a entertaining speech. All wedding gifts are appreciated as generous gifts on everybody's part. However, the gifts we wind up returning will be remembered and those people will be the last to hold our first child.